Bridging the Couple Chasm

I recently completed a 2 day training seminar “Bridging the Couple Chasm” which is the LEVEL 1 Training utilizing the GOTTMAN METHOD for Couples Therapy. This fascinating workshop and training demonstrated statistical information based on longitudinal research regarding relationships (i.e. not just someone’s ideas or opinions!) In addition, this training gave me, as the therapist, the tools needed to help couples who enter my office to repair, rebuild and enhance their relationship.

John Gottman, Ph.D. and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., together founded GOTTMAN INSTITUTE where they teach couples workshops and the professional training programs. John Gottman is “world renowned for his work on relationship stability and divorce predictions, involving the study of emotions, physiology and communication. He has earned numerous awards, voted one of the TOP 10 Most Influential Therapists. He has authored and published over 190 academic articles and author or co-authored over 40 books.

While there were many areas of interest during these 2 days– one area that was particularly intriguing was in the area of Communication. Most couples who enter into therapy want to increase communication skills and to resolve conflict. These two phrases have been the buzz words/phrases for years.

Gottman discovered through years of research with couples that there is “dysfunction” in relationships. You might be saying…”duh, I don’t need research to tell me that!” Based on Gottman’s research the dysfunction in unhappy couples can appear in at least these three areas:

– More negativity than positivity

More negative than positive – “during conflict discussions, the ratio of positive to negative interactions in stable relationships is 5:1 NOT 0.8:1 as it is in couples” who experience more negativity.

– Escalation in negative affect: illustrated by the Presence of the Four Horseman

Criticism – critical of the person vs the behavior (more women than men)
Defensiveness – the criticized person defends his/her postion
Contempt – this is the MOST defining, the “worst” of the 4 – appears in name calling, mocking, belittling, feeling of superiority
Stonewalling- shut down, refusal to talk/discuss – 85% of men stonewall when feel attacked

– Emotional disengagement and withdrawal-

Here there is no longer the presence of escalated negative affect during conflict
Also there is no positive affect at all
There is a marked lack of affection, shared humor, active interest, joy, support or empathy.

While this maybe disturbing and alarming and you might be saying….’Um…I’m in a relationship that has some of this” – THERE IS HOPE!

Gottman not only provided the research but has provided some definitive, systematic approach to repair the relationship!

If you are interested in repairing or rebuilding your relationship – please give me a call today!

John Gottman, GOTTMAN INSTITUTE.ORG